For my first essay, I chose to define hip with the locale coffee shops, Jive's. There are two Jive's locations so comparing them works well for defining hip and not hip.
After I got critique from my intelligent peers, it helped me to realize what improvements I had to make to this piece. At least one thing I should consider is to change the voice from serious and intellectual to laid-back and casual as the atmosphere of a coffee shop would be. I have a habit of writing all of my school assignments in that intellectual tone, and this was something I should have thought of before. Thanks for the feedback.
Another thing I plan to do is maybe change the organization of my essay slightly so that the essay is not ending on a negative note with the comparison of the Northern location and the first location as my opinion of the second location was bleh in comparison to the first one, so it would be better to end on a positive note.
I also think I need to work on solidifying my Kairos in this essay. I think part of my issue is that before I started working on this paper, Jive's had been suggested to me a few times but I never got around to going there. In part my paper is based off of initial reactions from going to each of the locations twice and putting the paper together from my limited experience. I probably should have picked a place that I had more experience with, but this was the first place I thought of. My plan is to try to visit each of the locations at least one more time to try to form a more solid opinion of both of the locations. I believe my Kairos will be focused on how this is good for the city's economy in general but how the second location is selling hip the idea of hip rather than producing hip.
Another thing I plan to address is the cultural mixing involved in each of the locations as cultural mixing was a central point in Leland's definition used in my piece. It's difficult to find diversity in terms of different racial backgrounds in most places in Colorado Springs. (Or maybe it is just the areas I am used to going in Colorado Springs?) Jive's did not seem to have very much racial diversity, but there was plenty of diversity in terms of world views. As Wednesday was open mic at the first location, there were some live music and some poetry reading. The vast difference that stuck out to me was one of the readers started their introduction with: "I felt Jesus really lay it on my heart to share this with you all tonight." Another reader read a poem about the issues surrounding the LGBTIQ community and one of the lines in his poem read, "I don't understand why someone has to die so you can feel comfortable." While it doesn't always mean the two are opposing each other, it is a good place to start in terms of the cultural mixing that happens at Jive's.
Other things I plan to focus on are an introduction of Leland, more exploration in the idea of Starbucks losing/changing its culture, and lots of grammar/sentence structure editing. Assuming I'm writing this for someone outside of our class, there is a chance they have no idea who Leland is. It'd be good if I included that for them so they don't spend the entire article wondering who in the world I'm talking about. While this isn't the main part of the paper, I should consider how to properly integrate the Starbucks idea into my paper and put more consideration into how it has become mainstreamed. Is it possible that process is starting with the North location Jive's? That is something I should explore. Well, the grammar sentence structure part is something that we all have to do. If you say you don't, you're lying! Haha!
I'm going to keep mulling on this and see if there are more changes I should make. Thank you all for your feedback. If any of you have any more ideas I'd be happy to see/hear them. I look forward to reading your papers! :)
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